Sore.

This weekend was definitely amazing. It completely exceeded my expectations on what it would be like.

And it also got my ass into shape. Ha!

I'm so nervous... I can't even describe it. And then my mind is always restless, and it's so not a good combination. Never.

I'm definitely in need of some kind of relationship. I mean seriously, I go crazy seeing cute boys that I can't have.

Just being honest. Half the time they're straight.



I need to lose weight. I'm really going to get cracking on this after this hectic weekend. I haven't really had much of a January to myself.

Ughhhhhh it needs to be tomorrow.

We need to not have school.


C.J.

Ever feel alone?

I have many friends. So many that I can't count them on one hand. or two. or three. maybe not even five.

But it's so hard to have that one friend that is there just for you, and only you. I mean I have some of the closest friends who have close friends, but I think I lack that security where I can tell that one person everything I feel and have them understand it just because they know me so well.

Maybe I just need a relationship. But that is something that is so unneccessary! Why do I need a guy just to talk to things about? I can't talk to him about boy problems, because they would be solved.

Maybe I"m just a weird teen. I want and want and want but never appreciate what I have.

I contradict myself way too much..

This is what I'm feeling:
I'm surrounded by so many fake people that I've lost myself. I try to appease groups that are pitted against eachother and become something I'm not. I'm so far from fake, but I can't help but be when I'm around them.

Maybe it's the best idea to seclude myself from them.
But then I really be alone, mentally and physically.

I don't know what I need to do anymore. I just want to be around new people so I can be myself.

I want someone who understands me completely, and asks me how things are doing, and asks me how my day was.

Honestly, I do so much for people... and I never ask for anything in return. I try to believe that if I'm a good person to everyone that I will make it through life easily, but I constantly find myself used or getting stepped on. It's sad.

I just want someone close to me, and I'll be good.



C.J.

Snow.

And it was cold.. very cold.

Today was an ok day. Go Obama, and such. I just wish life was more interesting. I hate how people say that high school will be the most eventful and exciting times of your life, but they aren't. I don't think so at least.

Surprisingly, I'm really excited for prom this year. I mean, I won't have a date except for my best friend, and that suffices really. We will look amazing, have the best group, and have an awesome time.

I just wish I could get the courage to ask dude to the prom, but seeing as how things are so awkward, I really am not up for messing up anything that could happen in the future. Is this stupid? I think I'm holding on for way too long. Way way way too long.

Really.

I can't stop thinking about him. I was asked the other night if I was still in love with him, and I said that I wasn't sure if I knew what love is yet. We never met in person, but we clicked like a lightbulb. I can't describe the connection we had, but then it drifted away, and I miss it.

He tells me he misses it, but for some reason, I want more. I want him to show me that he misses it.

We had planned to meet up one day, but he bailed. Is it really worth trying again to see him? Maybe?

I don't know. The awnser is probably No, and I know that, but I just can't get past this future vision I have of meeting him and being with him for the rest of my life.

How naiive of me to say that...

C.J.

Self-inflicted.

Oh Katy Perry is such a beast. I love her songs.

Annnd when I listened to her song called Self-Inflicted, I really started to think about some past people who've come and gone, and I won't lie and say that I miss them.

They know who they are.

I'm just struggling because it's so hard to move on from something you want so badly, so close you can even taste it, but yet it's still out of reach.

Like two hours out of reach.

And then there are all these temptations to lead you down a darker road... and I'm just a mess right now. If I really wanted to, I could be seen as something I'm not, and live in the moment... but I can't because I know that I'm smarter than that.

And what happens when a new boy gets throw into the mix with all of my recollections of an ex? Nothing good. At all.

I miss him a lot. More than he knows. More than I know, but I'll never admit. I can't admit it, because I have to be strong. I refuse to be a pushover, and I refuse to be someone who is easy.

No thank you.

Oh goodness.

C.J.

Mirena!

Don't you just love those pregnancy commericals that are just way too excited about not having babies? It's so peppy about how our culture is forming around sex for pleasure purposes, and not for reproduction purposes.

Really, I could care less.

It's not like I'm going to go have a kid through sex anytime in my life, so if people want to have sex just to have fun, go for it!

I'm sure at least some group of religious bigots will throw a fit about it eventually, but hey, enjoy it while you can. They're more focused on my relationships that don't involve them.

Goodness.

Have you ever left a water in the freezer for just the right amount of time, to where it has little pieces of ice in it, but it's still drinkable? I love it. Love love love it.

More please.

Thank you.

C.J.

Diet Coke and an iPod

What a wonderful combination, huh? Music and then something bubbly, refreshing, and no calories. None. What-so-ever.

Lovely.

I decided to make a blog for once, and just write, without any expectations of anyone reading it.

My family isn't keen on expectations. I'm constantly told not to get my hopes up in fear that the result of some event may not meet my dreams, and they think I'll be upset and such.

Unacceptable. I believe I'm old enough to deal with disappointment. Heck, I already have, so what's another moment of struggle. Isn't that what makes life interesting?
Yes. It is.

My life is like Diet Coke at times. Every time I open a new can it's exciting and bubbly and enjoyable, but then I either forget about it and it goes flat, or I end up with an empty can, which is just such a disappointment. Boys are like Diet Coke.

But let's not go into this kind of Diet Coke analogy. No thank you.


With love,
C.J.